Integration

Posted on 26 Dec 2024 @ 2:45am by Lieutenant Maralen Seitha

5,454 words; about a 27 minute read

Mission: Shoreleave and Reassignment
Location: Temporary Quarters: Starbase 375
Timeline: Night of arrival at the Starbase BEFORE the Awards

The figure moved slowly and silently through the corridors of the starbase like a hunter on the prowl. This cat was not hunting, however. He just did not want to draw any undue attention to his presence. He had much on his mind, and was not in a mental state to deal with curious no-furs. Not that he minded curiosity most of the time; he didn't. After all, cats were notorious for it themselves. No, it was just that tonight was different, solemn, thoughtful and solitary.

This self flagellation is not only pointless; it is destructive, the voice in his mind chastised him. Well, at least, this time it wasn't going on about how irrelevant or flawed it was, just reminding him that it was useless. And the voice, a deeper, wiser part of himself perhaps -- but then why use the Executive's voice? -- was right. It was pointless, useless. It would not bring any of those lost back. It would not make him feel any less responsible or guilty. So why did he do it? Why did he let guilt parade through his mind making him its plaything?

I know, he mentally answered himself. But it is how I know to cope with this.

Guilt had been his near-constant companion for much of his adult life in one form or another. When he had been put to the Cold Precision test repetitions, it had torn away a piece of him. When he had been put to interrogation of the DarkLight rep at Facility 66F, he had felt guilty for what he had been forced to do to her. And after that, a myriad of other deaths, tortures, and atrocities which the MindShapers had forced him to perpetrate. It all haunted him. It burned through his mind and haunted his dreams. And the worst of it? Like now, he was not truly responsible. They had been.

Now was different, though. There was no one to blame, to be angry at. The ship they had been towing had torn itself asunder and tried to take the Cygnus with it. It had failed, but it had nearly succeeded. And it had taken 60% of their crew with it. Crew that it had been his responsibility to protect.

Stop it! the voice in his mind commanded in the Executives cold tones. You know the truth of it. You could not have prevented this. So those lives are not on your hands.

But Maralen hated that answer. Oh, he knew it was true, but he hated it because it meant that there was truly no one to punish. There was no justice for those lost. They were just... gone like wisps of mist in the warmth of the sun. And that was just too... heartbreaking. He needed to blame someone, to punish someone.

Yes, but not yourself. Punish the universe, whatever runs it, like you did with the Singers.

That was not punishment. That was just me railing at them. I doubt the universe or whatever runs it either heard or cared.

He reached his temporary quarters, keyed the door, and entered. Stopping just far enough inside to let the doors close behind him, he just stared at the room. Like every Starfleet room ever, this one was decorated in soft colors as if to suggest comfort and warmth. But it was empty, void of life. And he did not intend to add any. He would not be here long anyway.

He slowly moved to the table and sat in one of the chairs, letting his bag fall to the floor beside him, sitting still for several long moments before bending and removing an old fashioned Journal from it. This was followed by an equally old fashioned pen. The Journal was bound in black leather, but there was nothing inscribed or written on it. The pen was black with a silver band around the middle and silver tips at each end. Setting the journal on the table, he laid the pen diagonally across it then stood and made his way to the couch.

He did not sit on the couch, however. Instead, he removed its cushions and set them up on the floor. H then sat on them, cross-legged, his tail draped across his lap. its tip twitched agitatedly, but he ignored it, closing his eyes and retreating deep into himself.

In this Inner Space was where he could be his True Self. Here was where he could weep for all the lost, rage at the universe for its cruelty, and then ready himself to return to Reality, calm once more.

Within His MindSpace

Normally, when he did this, there was nothing, just a blank space for him to make into whatever he needed it to be. But this time, it was... different. The world was ablaze with golds and silvers. But the colors were not so overwhelmingly bright that they hurt one's eyes to look at them. The colors were just there.

He found himself standing with three other versions of him. Each of them, himself included, were trapped within a shimmering barrier. Outside of the barrier was a woman with eyes the color of the light around them. Builder. That was her species. He remembered it from the Realm's records. But who was this one, and why was she here in his meditation space? Then he realized that he knew her, remembered her from somewhere though he was not sure where. It was a feeling like de ja vu. Her name was Kathryn. And she was here because she was a manifestation of his mind trying to heal itself. This mission had been the final push that his Inner Self needed to force him to do this. She was a manifestation of that.

She spoke, and her voice was soft. "Maralen, can you hear me and understand my words?"

Three of the four did not see one another. Each perceived himself as alone here with the Builder lady. They knew her name was Kathryn. Each heard her words and comprehended them, but each interpreted her role by the experiences relevant to him. Thus, each reacted to her differently.

The first, the man that had been taken by the Partnership and trained to be cold and efficient, held her gaze steadily, coldly. He saw no need for the obvious question and; therefore, saw no need to answer it. Of course, he heard and understood her. She was speaking Builder, one of many Language Sets he had been taught when he was fifteen and sixteen. In fact, she was speaking the proper Imperial Builder which indicated that she came from their Empire's homeworld rather than one of the outreach worlds. Interesting. He had not met one from Homeworld before. He stood silently, watching her, learning about her by that watching, just as the Executive had taught him to do.

The second, the man taken and subjugated by the MindShapers, was an entirely different matter. He saw her as his superior. She commanded, and he followed. He knew the price for insurgence or betrayal, and he would never make those mistakes again. He kept his eyes down, and his voice was softly subservient. 'Yes, CenterFocus." He answered simply. No more was required, and superfluous speaking was not permitted. Answer the question, follow the command, no more and no less. He, too, waited now; but he waited for instructions, commands.

The third was the man he would have been without the horror his life had become. He was gentle and warm. He smiled warmly at her. "Of course, Kathryn. What has happened?" He could sense that she was disturbed, but he could not sense why. So, in concern, he reached out with his words. He wished to ease her mind, but he was unsure of how to do that. So he, too, waited. But he waited for her to tell him what was wrong so that he could help her mend it. That concern she had heard in his voice was in those soft brown eyes as well.

The fourth man was what he would be if he could integrate all of the aspects of himself. He was the complete Maralen Seitha, the man who held all the training of the Realm, accepted all the cruelty of the MindShapers, and knew and understood the warm being at his core, the warmth he had hidden from even himself for so long. He could see the others, knew what they needed; but he could do nothing about that knowledge. He was locked behind this Curtain of shimmering energy, separated from them. He, of all of them, understood the truth of the reason she asked the question. She needed to know that they could comprehend this before she moved forward. He nodded. "Yes, Kathryn." He answered softly.

Kathryn smiled, but her smile was sad. "I am here because you need me. Together we might be able to help you heal, but how we do this is totally up to you. You can't exist in this state of brokenness forever. Are you willing to try?"

The first, Mr. Cold-Efficiency, stared at her in silence for a moment. This was likely yet another in a long series of tests. He had long since ceased to be shocked at the fact that those continued even now. They likely needed to be certain that no vestige of weakness remained in him. Yet, he did not feel 'broken' as she said. He felt strong and confident. "I will do as you ask." He answered after that momentary assessment.

The second, Mr. Tormented, saw only a command in this 'request'. They never asked what he wished. They only told him what They wished. So the question itself, the seeming concern for what he wanted, was merely a ruse. It was designed to see if he would resist what She sought or comply as was the proper response. "Compliance." He answered in that soft, broken voice.

The third, Mr. Warm-And-Fuzzy, did not feel broken either. He did not understand her need to do this. But if she felt so strongly about it, he would do as she asked. If it would set her at ease and alleviate the distress he saw, he would follow every instruction she gave him. He nodded, that warm and gentle expression remaining in place. "Of course. If it will help." He answered softly, gently.

The fourth, Mr. Integrated, knew she was right. She could see them as he could. She could see the damage that had been done to him, but the others - the bits of him that had been fragmented by the life he'd led, could not see themselves as he and Kathryn did. "If it will help them to become me, please do it, Kathryn." He intoned softly, his own tones a bit sad. He knew what each of the other three were thinking and wished once more that he could reach them, that he could show them that all was not as they thought it was. Especially that subdued and tortured him that waited for the other proverbial shoe to kick him squarely in the head. This him knew it would not, but he could not tell the other this. He had to hope that the three could do what they needed to, that they could each exceed themselves to become him.

Kathryn stepped back from the versions of Maralen for a moment. She had to think about how she was going to handle this reconstruction. Then, an idea came to her…

She went to the warm and fuzzy Maralen. "Maralen," she began sitting on the ground beside him. "I need your help. There is an incompleteness in your existence. You might not be able to see it, but trust me it's there. It's like an open wound that can't heal on its own. And only you and I can help you heal yourself."

She took his hand in hers and continued, "I won't lie to you, Maralen. This will not be easy. There are parts of you that think very differently then you and I do. So, before we can begin, I need to know you. Who are you Maralen Seitha? What do you aspire to be?"

Warm-and-Fuzzy looked up at Kathryn as she spoke to him. He did not feel incomplete necessarily. But it seemed to upset her that he might be. He turned his hand over to return the gentle squeeze of hand, and his brown eyes held hers in their soft grip.

What was it exactly she wanted to know? Who was he? What a strange question for her to ask him. If she could see this damage she spoke of, then she must know him, right? He shrugged slightly and looked down at their hands as if only then realizing they were entwined.

"I... I'm the Core. I'm the one they all protect." He finally said softly. "I'm the one they think they lost on Ledara..." He felt the memory surface and tears burn behind his eyes, but he fought them. Fought them with all he had. Now was not the time for this. He had to help her. But without the controls of his Realm Self, he could not completely banish the pain, loss, and tears. "I'm the reason that... that they can't coalesce. And I... I'm the key." His eyes, damp with the tears, came up to meet hers again; and there was a question in their depths. "Aren't I?"

As to her second question, he had no idea how to answer it. He had been only five when his world had changed forever. Aspirations were many and filled with childish innocence. But what of those had survived? Had any of those survived? Had the innocence been lost somewhere or merely hidden in this Core Him?

"I... can't answer your second question." He added finally, very softly. "I
don't know the answer." Not yet anyway. Maybe when this Healing she spoke of was completed, he would. But not yet. His look and tone were soft apology.

Kathryn nodded and smiled. "We will find the answers together." She stood bringing Warm-and-fuzzy with her. "In this place, we will find the answers."

She held his hand until they reached the other Maralen, the one who had been taken by the Realm. She turned to Warm. "He might not talk to us," she began. "So, I need your help. What can you tell me about him? Why is he so cold and frightened?"

Cold-Efficient watched them with the look of someone studying an experiment. She was right; he saw no reason to speak to her. But she was wrong; he was not frightened. Fear was a destructive emotion, so it was always rechanneled into a more useful form of itself, caution. Don't feel it; use it. One of the first Lessons. Fear becomes Caution. And he was cautious. So he merely watched them.

Warm-And-Fuzzy looked at his Cold, Efficient Fragment. This was the stalwart protector. This one was the power that stood between him and complete surrender or breakdown. He shivered slightly though at what had been done to this one to make him so. Then his eyes turned to Kathryn again.

"He's the strong one. He's the Guardian Protector." He began. "He's the one who holds all the Lessons that make us able to withstand the cruelties of the Universes. He's also the Skeptic, the one who knows that the Universes relate to us in terms of pain and fear and tries to protect us from that." He looked back to his Cold self. "He's the one who believes that he can never afford to let down that Shield of Cold Efficiency or we'll be hurt again. He's the one who protected us when... when Arianna was..." He gritted his teeth again and fought for control. But the control belonged to Cold-Efficient.

"When the Singers took Arianna." Cold-Efficient answered in that cold, calculated tone of his. "The rest surrendered to me."

Warm-And-Fuzzy nodded. "Yes, but it wasn't good enough. They didn't want that. But he was the one who tried to protect us even then." He finished very softly.

Kathryn looked directly at Cold, "You're the Shield. The unbreakable shell that conceals the True Self from a dangerous and painful Universe." She paused. "But is the shell truly unbreakable. Do you see your responsibility to never let anything in? Even if it's a thing of goodness?"

She turned to Warm. "At this point in your existence have you ever seen the light of a warm summer on an untouched world? Have you been able to enjoy the pleasant companionship of friends or are you just stuffed in a corner of your own head?"

Cold-Efficient again did not see a need to answer. He saw the test for what it was and let it be so. If he answered for Warm-And-Fuzzy, then he would only prove that he was no better than those he protected them from. He would prove that he was the Oppressor rather than the Protector. So he remained silent and watched.

Warm-And-Fuzzy shook his head. "It doesn't work like that, Kathryn. It's not really that simplistic." He corrected gently. "I have my times for expression. But only when it's safe to do so. It's more like a Filter than a Wall." He told her. "He watches the world around us and knows when it is safe to express ourselves without harm."

Kathryn nodded. "He's your shell. You use him when the universe gets too dangerous. That is a good thing. We all have our shells." Her eyes closed for a second, and she seemed to shrink in size. Her features
became softer. Then seemingly out of the light came another Kathryn. She was wearing battle armor, carrying several types of weapons, and just stood behind her smaller self. She Unprotected looked at Warm. "You see we all have our guardians. They keep us safe and secure. But, they are just one part of our true selves. They should always be with us. But sitting in the background until needed."

The Armored shell spoke to the Cold Maralen. "Protectors are best when we are not seen but always present. Don't you agree?"

Cold-Efficient looked at the Armored Kathryn for a moment, studying her critically with the trained eye. She was indeed a Guardian, but she was different in manifestation. And her perceptions were borne of the way in which she had become necessary, just as his were. But they were valid, so he nodded. "Your statement has merit." He acknowledged. However, there are times in which it becomes important to be seen. Would you not also agree to this?" His eyes held hers in the grip of cold steel.

Unprotected Kathryn spoke up. "We agree. And we could all stand here until the end of time debating issues best left to philosophers and scholars. The simple fact is that Maralen must learn to use all parts of himself, not just his Cold, but also his Warm. But something stunted his normal development, didn't it?"

Kathryn and the rest moved to the other part of Maralen. Kathryn's Armor took one look at the submissive mass of flesh. She looked at both Core Maralen and Cold Maralen. "What happened here?"

Tormented looked down. If Kathryn, in her normal mode, was the superior, this Armored and Dangerous Kathryn was even more the superior. He knew he should answer, but fear seized hold and refused to let him.

Warm-And-Fuzzy sighed, sympathy flooding him. "He is the part of us that was taken by the MindShapers and tormented beyond his ability to stand. He carries the guilt and damage of our time with them. He is the one forced to kill his own Love because They felt he had betrayed Them to her. It was a Lesson he never forgot... and one he has never forgiven himself for."

Cold-Efficient frowned. "I could not protect him. I tried to, but They forced me away." He added.

Tormented wanted to shrink away... wanted the floor to swallow him whole. But he knew it would not. That was never his luck. The things larger and more powerful than he always had the power. And they always had their own agendas. He only waited now for this one to reveal hers.

Kathryn motioned to her armored self. The Shell backed away into the light, and again Kathryn was whole. She turned her back on Tormented for a moment and faced the other parts of Maralen. "Did you fight the effects of the MindShapers together or separately?"

Before any part of Maralen could answer they noticed Kathryn had changed. She seemed both strong and confident but vulnerable at the same time. There was both great power and tenderness existing in the same person.

Tormented winced. How could he answer that? It was not as though he had not wanted to fight them. He simply had not been able to win no matter what he'd done. So he had learned to let Them have what They wanted.

Cold-Efficient frowned. He had already answered this question in a way. What more did she want? He looked to Warm-And-Fuzzy. That one seemed to understand them all in a way each did not even understand himself.

Warm-And-Fuzzy recognized the shift in Kathryn as something in himself. She was now the physical representation of his own Integrated Self. He swallowed and spoke softly.

"In a way, we fought together." He answered. "Each in his own way. Cold-Efficient was the Shield when we needed it. He," he indicated Tormented, "was the one who convinced Them that we had surrendered when it was necessary to do so. And I... I simply refused to be destroyed. I buried myself where They could not see and punish the others for my continued existence. So, I guess the answer is... we fought together. Right?"

Kathryn nodded. "Your actions and responses are correct. But what have you done to help him?" She tilted her head in Tormented's direction. "He still carries those wounds from a time long past, which means that all of you carry them to some measure." She then stepped away from Tormented. And stood behind Maralen. "Look at him and tell me what you see and what you have done to repair the damage the MindShapers did to Maralen Seitha."

Cold-Efficient tilted his head as he assessed his Tormented Self. His trained instincts said that this one had surrendered to the pain and guilt. That he had let it take him. He frowned deeply. If they were indeed one being, then that would mean that he, on some level, had surrendered; and he could not accept that. He refused. Still, the evidence stood before him.

"He has surrendered." Cold-Efficient observed after a moment. "I tried to protect him from it. But he has let it damage him. I cannot heal. I am trained to kill, to damage, not to heal." The Warrior in him asserted itself. But, for the first time in this encounter, there was something other than purest cold efficiency in his tones and eyes.

Warm-And-Fuzzy did not see it the same way. He looked away to Kathryn. "I see the one who had to take what neither Cold-Efficient nor I could deal with. He bears the damage we cannot. It would destroy me, and Cold-Efficient cannot accept weakness." He answered very softly. "What have I done? There is nothing I *can* do, Kathryn. Do you not think I would if I could? I would heal him if I could. I would take the pain from his eyes and banish it if I could. But... I can't." The part of him that would be Healer had finally shown itself.

Integrated looked from his Cage to Kathryn, understanding his role in this now more clearly. Cold-Efficient was the Warrior, the self that accepted no weakness and formed strategy and tactics. Warm-And-Fuzzy was the Healer in him, the part of him that would take the weight of the universe on himself to spare another that weight. And he, Integrated, was the Bridge. Only together could they heal Tormented. He could not heal himself. They had to become one. Warrior, Healer, and Bridge had to come together and become whole and balanced in order to even begin the healing of Tormented. He was a piece of each of them whether they admitted it or not.

Kathryn smiled a genuine smile. Maralen was starting to heal himself. She looked at them all. "You're right, none of the individuals can heal the whole. But if all the separate pieces come together, healing can begin. Maralen, you have taken the first step. Now it's time to take another." She turned to both Cold and Warm. "You both must discover the key to the cage. Tormented has it but he will not give it to a stranger. Now is the time for all three of you to help close the wound."

With that, she stepped aside…

He had the key? What key? Tormented flicked panicked eyes from Kathryn to the rest. It was not them he feared; they were parts of himself. He'd gotten that much. But her... she was not only stranger, but power. It was her power and her retribution he feared if he could not find this key she said he had. What key?

Cold-Efficient narrowed his eyes as he thought about all that had already been said. His strategic mind was churning, trying to come up with the strategy she was looking for and not fail the test she had placed before him. But then, what if it was not so much a test but an exercise in expanding beyond his current parameters? What if what she wanted was for his to increase his versatility of thinking and thus improve himself? That would certainly explain her fragmenting him and showing him the other sides of his own being.

But, if that were the case, then she was neither testing him nor forcing him to do or be anything. She was showing him what he was and hoping he would draw the correct conclusions. But why? Those more powerful than he always had Their own agendas. What was hers?

And what was the key?

Warm-And-Fuzzy stared at them both for a moment then looked at the man in the cage. His eyes showed understanding. His demeanor was the perfect combination of all of them. Was that the key? He looked back at the other two and considered them.

"Cold, why do you separate yourself from us?" He finally asked in that warm, gentle tone that was his trademark.

Cold-Efficient looked from Tormented to Warm. "I don't." He answered simply. "That was done by things greater than us."

Warm sighed. He was right, to a degree. "True, they made the environments; but we decided our fate." He tried.

Cold hissed the words in a tone that was more angry than cold. "No. Our fate was chosen for us when the Death Ships came." He ground out. "The rest has not been anything *resembling* our choice."

Warm sighed again and closed his eyes. Somewhere along the line, this part of him had lost its belief, its gentleness. How could he get that back? His eyes shifted to Integrated again. This time, he spoke to the caged man.

"You understand, don't you? You know we're like this because we chose, somewhere along the line. Because, somehow, it was easier to survive the hell we walked through this way. You know the key, don't you?"

Integrated sighed. He knew the key. The three of them were the key. The fourth was a composite of bits of each of them given substance by the fact that each of them had set aside things he couldn't deal with. But he could not tell them that. They had to come to understand it. He held his silence.

"I thought so. You know, but you can't tell us. You're what we'll be when we figure it out." Warm sighed and looked back to Cold. And suddenly something clicked. His eyes widened, and he looked at Kathryn then back to Cold. "We're... opposites..." He murmured, the realization hitting him like a starship at Transwarp speeds.

Cold blinked and looked at him as though he'd lost what little sanity he still had. "Of course we are. That is why I had to protect you." He returned icily, then something began to gel. They were opposites. They were in a space borne of the power of a Builder. Builders thought in threes. But there were four of him. Incongruous.

His eyes then flicked from Warm to Tormented to Integrated and back. Then they turned to Kathryn. "I think I understand." He said slowly. "Two of us are extremes, the third a bridge between them. But the fourth does not fit." He frowned, staring hard at Tormented. "Why don't you fit?" The question was less cold than it was simply probing.

Tormented blinked. What had Cold just said? He didn't fit? He blinked and looked at Kathryn and then back at Cold. "I... I don't know." He whispered. What had Warm said before? He bore the damage the other two could not. He was borne of the things they could not bear. He was their creation. Cold was not the shell without substance. He was. His head bowed, and his eyes closed. "I... don't exist except as you make me." He finally said very softly.

Cold nodded with an expression that said it made sense. "Of course..." he muttered, eyes turning to Warm, then Integrated, then to Kathryn. "There are only three. I am the Warrior, trained to fight and kill. He," he pointed to Warm, "is the Healer who wants to help everyone. And..." he smiled ever so slightly, a smile of recognition. He had finally put the Puzzle Of Three together. "And he" he pointed to the Caged One "is the Bridge. He balances us both out. That one..." his eyes turned to Tormented for a moment, and he softened ever so slightly before turning back to her. "He is an Amalgam, a Composite of everything we can't be. He is created because we needed a way to cope with what we could not face. He doesn't *have* the key. He *is* the key."

At that moment, Tormented was engulfed in an electrum haze of light. Maralen shielded their eyes. And when the light had faded, a key of pure electrum was in his place. Kathryn picked up the key and spoke to all. "What happens to yourself from this point forward is of your own choosing." She then turned to Integrated, The choice is yours now. Where do you go from here, Maralen? Do you stay in your self-constructed prison? Or, do you allow them to free you?"

Integrated locked eyes with the Builder. "You already know the answer or we would not be here." He answered simply, his tones warm and kind, but his eyes determined. "Cages and I have never been... friends."

Warm looked at Kathryn. "But how can we do this? We know *what* must be done. We must merge... become him. But how?"

Cold also watched. They had found the key, now all they needed was the guidance to use it.

Kathryn smiled again. "All three must work together, but not here. You have come as far as I can take you. Now, the rest is up to you." Kathryn then moved to Integrated. "You must keep them in balance. You are the Bridge. Your part is both easy and hard." She inserted the Key and turned it. There was again a flash of light. The light grew to fill the universe. Maralen shielded his eyes again. As the light grew brighter a voice could be heard. "Your journey has just begun. True healing will take time. But you are complete again…"

Maralen opened his eyes and found himself sitting in the temporary quarters on Starbase 375. What had just transpired had felt as though it had taken hours, but a look at the standard issue chronometer on the wall showed him that it had only been a few minutes. He stood and moved to the table, takign up the pen and opening the Journal to a fresh page.

He began to write.

"This is going to be a long entry..."

A somewhat long post by

Lieutenant Maralen Seitha
Chief Security Officer
USS Cygnus

 

RSS Feed