Andorian Sunrise or Sunset?

Posted on 15 Nov 2022 @ 5:35pm by Lieutenant Commander Raviran Dattek-Winters

1,077 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Outbreak
Location: Ravi Winter's Quarters
Timeline: After the Dinner Party

Ravi was torn. It was late and she didn't feel she could go to discuss things with Vaat at such a late hour and anyway, she didn't feel she could trust herself not to be inappropriately emotional right now so she went back to her own quarters, initially.

Once there she paced up and down a lot, battling with her inner conflict. She took a sonic shower and tried to prepare for sleep but even with her best efforts to try to put this aside for a while and let it all settle, she found herself still awake and tossing and turning into the small hours, unable to find any peace or sleep and more exhausted than ever by what her mind and heart were battling over.

She got up and sat at her desk console trying to start a mail to reach out.

Dear Vaat, she began.

I'm sorry to hear you say (no, she didn't like that so she began again)...I'm SO sorry....

....that you have decided (no....) that you don't want to stay in Starfleet. (This was so hard to get right)

and I fully and completely understand why you feel that way after such a near death experience. Anyone would ...... (no, wait) ...I don't think any of us cou.... (no...)

(Deep breath. Go back) ......It's a huge life changing thing to go through and no-one.... (Damn how to word this.....)

She stopped and stared at the screen then wiped it all off completely. Tears began to fall softly and she flopped back onto the bed to cry properly. She hadn't been able to do that in full flow until now and it did make her feel a bit better........... but not much.

What could she do? She couldn't exactly just go round, nor write for that matter, to say..... to say what? To tell him the truth the way her heart and mind were both in agreement (finally!).

What right did she have to go and tell him she couldn't bear it if he left?

How could she expect him to hear that and not wonder how she could have come to care that much in such a short time. How would he .... how could he have had any idea that she was becoming so fond of him.....

Fond? What a small word for how fiercely she felt this despair and pain at the very thought of him not being around any more?

Hadn't he realised that she'd sat at his beside when they all thought he was going to die? Hadn't he even sensed how much she had willed him to get well again, to come back from the brink, to be his old self again, not this pale, shadow that was lying in sickbay, threatening to just fade away?

Hadn't his hand hurt from the pressure she'd been squeezing it with as she tried to push all her own strength into him somehow so he would recover and stay?

Didn't he know how much joy it had filled her with, from her toes to her hair when he finally did drift back, so slowly but yet steadily and gradually realise who the people were who were tending him?

Was he not aware of the hundreds of cool damp gauzes she had so tenderly placed on his burning forehead when the fever set in and how long she had slept at the side of his bed, reluctant to let go of his hand in case he might think he didn't need to try so hard to come back to her?

She supposed he couldn't possibly have known, let alone remembered, how many times Dr Elodin had peeled her sleeping head off Vaat's chest/covers and propelled her back to a side room, despite her having adamantly refused to leave to any greater distance, but finally being prevailed upon (ie ordered!) to let the rest of the nursing staff take over for an hour or two until she could recover enough strength to return and take up her vigil again.

The more she thought about all of this, Ravi began to understand that she could possibly be accused of being a stalker.... especially if Vaat didn't have feelings for her too.

How could she ask him not to leave when their relationship was still so young.

How could she put that much pressure on him?

What right did she have to even tell him all of this?

He had every reason to want to leave a situation that had taken him to the very edge and within a hair of over it.

He had every right to want to find a better way to live and celebrate his gift of life the best way he could find.

What right did she have to try to impose herself into that.

Who was to say she was meant to be part of it?

Only Vaat himself .......... surely.............

She had just convinced herself that she mustn't go and try to persuade him to stay, nor try to make him consider how she felt either.

He had the right to make this next chapter of his life all about him and she did not have the right to try to..............

Dissolving into her pillows, Ravi just lay on her back staring at the ceiling, arguing it all out over and over.

If she really cared for him, she should just let him go to wherever he needed to be.

If he wanted her in his new life, wouldn't he come and say so?

But what if he needed to hear that was how she felt and how awful if he walked away feeling he shouldn't approach her either.... much as she was avoiding approaching him.......

It wasn't that she didn't care enough........ it was that she cared too much.

So how did he feel?

How could she find out?

How could she justify trying to find out?

She must just let him alone now and wait to see what he needs to do and trust his decision.

Sleep finally came to Ravi - even for just a few final hours before the next day relentlessly came around and brought what it would.

She opened her tired eyes and began to prepare some kind of breakfast, but she wasn't hungry. She knew she had to eat something but she would have settled for cardboard without noticing.


TBC.....

 

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