Bill and Bob - Practical Jokes gone wrong

Posted on 31 May 2024 @ 6:54pm by Lieutenant JG Christina Hartley

1,185 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: Enigma Variations
Location: Lavatories/Chief Engineers Office.

"If you tell me that things could be worse once more, I swear I'm going to actually kill you." Crewman Robert Scott, better known as Bob, said, glaring at his work partner, Crewman William Matthews, known as Bill. Bob, of course, hated the nickname Bill and Bob, but it had stuck. They had been friends for years, of course, but he still hated it. At that moment, he wasn't sure what he hated more; the nickname, or his friend.

"We're alive, we're comfortable, we get good food, and get to see some cool stuff." Bill replied, not looking up from the toilet he was scrubbing with a sponge.

"Yes, and we're doing a job that should be done by the bloody computer, because of you and your idea of a practical joke. We're lucky Chief Hartley was willing to overlook what you did and not press the matter with the Captain, and that she calmed down Ensign Ackerly." Bob replied, glaring at his friend. He thought back to the meeting.

*****
(Three hours earlier)

Standing to attention in the Chief Engineer's Office, in front of Chief Hartley in her office office, Bob was finding it difficult to remain at attention and not hit his friend. Okay, he had been there, but he had tried to stop Bill from doing something stupid. "As I understand it, you played a rather embarrassing and unpleasant practical joke on a much loved member of the crew." Christina said, glaring at them. She was not in a good mood.

"Not true sir, we played a joke on Ensign Ackerly." Bill replied. Bob wanted to sink into the ground.

"Not the time for smart talk. So, who wants to tell me what happened?" Christina asked, glaring at them.

"We just...wanted him to admit that he was a git." Bill replied.

"If I may sir?" Bob replied.

"No, you may not." Christina interrupted. "You, deciding you wanted to loosen his lips, broke into his quarters, and reprogrammed his replicator to add truth serum to his morning coffee. When he got on duty, you then asked him what he was keeping secret, hoping to embarrass him, whereby he proceeded to confess that he and his wife had been dressing up as old human superheroes, Superman and Wonder Woman, when he then had an unforeseen reaction to your little truth serum, left, and returned as Superman, I believe you called it, and thought he was flying around engineering, instead of running, before he was sedated and taken to Sickbay, where my wife was able to remedy the situation. Did I get that about right?" Christina asked. Bill finally couldn't hold it back.

"Permission to snigger, sir?" Bill asked.

"Denied." Christina snapped angrily.

"May have to snigger anyway, sir." Bill replied. He and Bob bowed their heads, sniggering softly. Christina decided to ignore that, for the moment. She had already spoken to

"Do either of you have anything to say?" Christina asked.

"Just that he's a smarmy git, sir." Bill replied.

"Stow it. You're lucky he isn't pressing charges and that he wasn't hurt. But for your insolence, the refreshers need cleaning. Unfortunately, five decks worth of lavatory cleaning systems aren't working, so you're going to clean every lavatory by hand."

"You're also going to write a damned good apology letter to him. And I'd better not hear anything else of this, or any other practical joke. Next time, I'll be going straight to the Captain. Just consider yourself lucky that I'm not throwing your asses in the damned Brig for this. You are Starfleet Officers, and as such, you have a duty to represent the best of us. But do anything like this again, I will be removing you from duty, and shooting you from a god damned torpedo tube myself," Christina snapped.

"Now get out, before I stop feeling so damned lenient," Christina ordered. Both men quickly left.

*****

"Oh, come on, you laughed as well." Bill replied.

"I tried stopping you, remember?" Bob replied. "I should have asked for a transfer."

"You've been threatening that for ages." Bill said.

"Just shut up and get cleaning." Bob said, getting back to scrubbing angrily.

*****

(Chief Engineer's Office)

Christina had managed to calm down Ackerly by pointing out that he had been an ass to some of the junior officers, though she agreed that what the two had done had been out of line, and had told him how they would be punished. In fact, Ackerly was sitting in her office now.

"How did the lavatories go down, ma'am?" Graham Ackerly asked.

"I shut them down," Christina replied. "Graham, remember what I said. I know you want perfection, but we need the engineers to be skilled and comfortable. I have every faith in you making sure no one wants to do this again," Christina said. Ackerly nodded.

"I appreciate that, Christina," Graham told her. "I want my team to be proud of themselves and to be the best. Those two..."

"Are not on your team. I'm switching them to Delta Shift for a while. That should teach them a lesson or two, hopefully," Christina replied.

"I really ran around as Superman?" Graham asked.

"Believe me, it wasn't an experience I ever thought I'd see," Christina said. "Thankfully, Kin was smarter than those two idiots."

"You know they won't stop playing practical jokes. I like their jokes as much as the next man, I just... I didn't think they hated me enough to do that," Graham told her.

"The reason I went relatively easy on them is because they're idiots, but I don't think they expected you to have the reaction you did. Trouble with them is they're not medics, and they got the dosage wrong. Small mercies that you didn't do anything worse. Still, if they do cause any problems, just let me know. They're on very thin ice, and I know neither man can swim," Christina said, smirking.

"I'd better get back to work," Graham said.

"No, take two days off and recover. Lucy's got your shifts covered; she volunteered. So did three others, so take that as a sign that you're not a git; those two are pure idiots," Christina assured him. Graham nodded as his wife, Patricia, spoke up.

"How about you, Kin, and K'tress join us for dinner tonight? I'll cook," Patricia offered. She was an engineer as well, and worked the same shift as Graham.

"Sounds good. In the meantime, I'd better get back to the weekly diagnostics. Just let me know if you have any more reactions, and remember what Kin said, 48 hours rest, no work, and since she's my wife, I will be enforcing it," Christina said. She smiled as Graham and Patricia left the office.

Christina had to admit, she had found the running around a little funny - which she had admitted to Graham - but she needed to make sure Bill and Bob didn't do anything else stupid. She would keep an eye on them; they had potential, if they could cut down the jokes.

Somehow, though, she doubted it, but she refused to give up.

 

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